I'm going to lose both my arms and possibly my mind

You know what's scarier than thinking about pushing a baby out of me? Thinking about having 2 kids at the same time. TWO kids! That's all the arms I have! I won't have any arms! What if I need to change a diaper, or change my pants, or dial 911? However will I make my monthly call to Poison Control after the baby becomes a toddler?

I have long said that people should have no more children than they have arms to contain hold them. But now I have this horrible dilemma because I'm pretty sure I want another little stinker after this one and I won't have enough arms and I'm not going to get anymore because everyone knows that if evolution were real my mom would have eight arms. And if wishes came true she'd have eight arms because I have heard her request made on several occasions, usually while breaking up a fight, cooking dinner, and kicking someone out of the kitchen all at the same time.

So maybe I will be able to handle 2 kids... or 3 kids... or 3 kids and an accident, but I would never be able to hold on to my sanity. You know what kids do? They eat things, they climb things, they get naked and escape. They run away from you at the mall and jump into an elevator full of people just before the door closes. And those are just the things my two brothers did (true stories - all of them).

I loaded a BB gun with strike anywhere matches and shot them at the side of the house THAT WE LIVED IN. Once, I lit a bowl of fingernail polish remover on fire and then accidentally knocked it over. It spilled between the deck slats and started a fire under the house! I accidentally released my fully flighted parakeet into the back yard and then miraculously retrieved it by climbing the neighbor's fence and snagging it by the tail feathers out of the tree. AND MY MOM DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT THOSE THINGS.

Well she does now. Hi, Mom.

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