Both of the men in my life are obsessed with toilet paper. Caleb is obsessed with using it and Travis is obsessed with monitoring how much Caleb uses.
Imagine this everyday scenario. Caleb is in the middle of something random when he jumps up and frantically runs to the bathroom. After the door slams and the sound reverberates through the apartments above and below us, Travis mutes the TV. A hush falls over our home and Travis's ears begin to twitch like a lion when it stalks its prey.
"What is he doing in there" He whispers to me. Which at first I thought meant, "what is he doing in there," but I have since learned that in Travis-Speak this actually means, "Go see what he is doing in there." Although I am confident in this translation I still respond to the actual words.
"The same thing you do in there."
"Is he wasting the Toilet Paper again?" (Note the capitalization of Toilet Paper. You can hear the capital letters when Travis talks about such a precious commodity. Again, this is Travis-Speak for something else. It literally means, "Go see if he is wasting Toilet Paper again." I respond to the American English translation of these words.
Then I go check. Yes, Caleb has put one end of the toilet paper into the toilet and flushed it several times so he can watch it swirl down into the land of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles AKA "the zewer". I promptly begin the toilet paper lecture. Swiftly and silently like the stealthy hunter he is, Travis appears in the bathroom to examine the damage. He begins to calculate out loud how long each roll of toilet paper we have used this week lasted on the roll.
He wants to keep all the toilet paper to himself.
In fact, both Caleb and Travis sleep with a roll of toilet paper on their bedside table (true story). They both insist that we purchase only "Ultra Soft" and will only waiver if I have a coupon for "Extra-Extra Soft," and even then it takes some convincing for Caleb to agree. How does he know? Because even though Caleb can't read he can tell which degree of softness I am buying on the color of the package (also true). And if I happen to purchase a brand with a color coding system he is unfamiliar with, he will sit on the package of toilet paper and test its boundaries of softness.
One good thing about having men in the house who love toilet paper... they BOTH replace the toilet paper roll. Even the 5 year old.
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Labels: I'm a Mom, I'm a Wife