Put on your hazards if you have to!

Nausea can strike at any moment when pregnant and that can be especially inconvenient if you are driving or loading groceries into the back of your car. Sunday I was riding shotgun with Papapotamus when the urge to lose my especially tasty breakfast came over me.

"Pull over" I said calmly, yet urgently.

"I can't. There isn't enough room on the shoulder and there are people behind me."

"Put on your hazards if you have to!"

He sharply takes the next turn and my head is out the door before the car comes to a complete stop.

Papapotamus is sweet and considerate and that just gets in the way sometimes when you are pregnant or have kids. Sometimes you just have to apologize to the world that is waiting behind you and put on your hazards. It's not that I think the world revolves around me, but sometimes you're just going to have to go around.

The grocery store break down
I always told myself I wouldn't be the mom who just let her kid throw a tantrum in the grocery store. I would ditch all my items and come back for them later. I would leave the cart at the door and spank my kid in the parking lot. Yeah, that was before I had kids. That's before I realized that when a kid throws a tantrum it isn't because they are a stinkin' little brat! (Not MY kid anyway!) It's because they were woken up too early, cut a tooth last night, missed a nap or had one of the many things happen to them that makes it hard to be a baby. Anything that makes it hard to be baby also makes it hard to be a parent. I'm sorry that my child screaming is ruining your grocery shopping experience, but I'm not having the time of my life either. I just spent the last however long pushing a shopping cart with one hand, holding a screaming baby in the other, suffering embarrassment and dirty looks. I'm about to load the belt one handed and put everything in the car alone and then I'm going to carry it all to an upstairs apartment alone. So sorry to bother you, but you're just going to have to go around.

I'm late to dinner
I am so sorry about this. I love you. I know I love you because I am showering way before bedtime, putting on makeup, changing out of my sweats, and meeting you somewhere that doesn't have a ball pit. If there are no prices on the menu then you are my very best friend who lives very far away and I am very, very sorry. I don't get out much and this was going to be the highlight of my week. But, here's what happened...
I was so excited about going out to dinner with you that I practically fasted all day. I couldn't wait to gorge myself on the food wherever it was I talked you into meeting. I knew I had to take things slow so I started getting ready an hour before normal. I was just walking out the door when I started getting sick. I threw up all over my front porch, which is fine normally, but since I didn't really eat much all day my stomach was empty. My pregnancy wasn't taking no for an answer so it was turning itself inside out to empty any and all contents. The amount of lurching it took to turn my empty stomach inside out was too much for my bladder and I peed... all... over... myself. So I had to re-shower and find a new outfit and re-dress while I was supposed to be meeting you. That's why I'm late and I look terrible.
I was so excited about going out to dinner with you that I pumped milk for 3 days, but I could only get enough for 2 feedings. That's really enough for 1 feeding and a potential emergency feeding. I knew there would be unforeseen events and so I started getting ready 3 hours early. I was dressed and ready to go, but needed to nurse the baby one last time to try and maximize the time that you and I could spend together. Then, the poop happened. Nothing I couldn't handle. It shot out of the back of the diaper and got all over the baby's clothes, but I'm pretty quick and got things fixed right up. As we were walking out the door, only a little bit late, the baby threw up in my hair. I tried to do a spot fix, but the smell was so bad that I had to rewash my hair. The baby started screaming while my head was in the sink and when I jerked my head up to see what was the matter I hit my head on the faucet, got water all over my face and had to wash off my make up and reapply. That's why I'm late and I look terrible.

You get stuck behind me walking anywhere
Sorry about your luck, friend. I know it isn't pretty back there. I've got one hand on my stomach and the other hand on my back as a slowly waddle my way through the parking lot, mall, or store aisle. I've got a six year old in tow and he is repeatedly dropping my hand and running to grab something off of a shelf, or running into a store. I'm not fast enough to stop him anymore so I have to stop myself and bring him back. I know you are in a hurry because everyone is in a hurry. I'm in a hurry to get this baby out of me, but that's just not how it works. I'm doing everything I can to propel myself forward at a steady pace and there isn't much I can do to speed it up for you. So sorry to bother you, but you're just going to have to go around.

I don't answer the phone
It's hard for you to believe because I used to have my phone on my hip at all times, but I've down graded to a non-smart phone and now I have a baby attached to my hip. If the ringer is on, I can't even guarantee I hear it ringing, but I might. Sometimes I can't get to it in time. Sometimes I am too busy or too tired to try. Sometimes I am up to my elbows in someone else's bodily fluids and I really don't want to talk about it. I will most likely call you back and when I do, prepare yourself to hear all about it.

I don't return your text
I know it seems easier than talking on the phone, but it's not really. You mean you want me to form a thought in my head and then convince my thumbs to click-clack it out on this $30 no-name phone I'm wielding? And you want me to do it now? I'll get to you when I can, but it might be a couple of hours.

I talk like a baby
I'm going to try really hard to have an adult conversation with you, so please look past the fact that I am saying "choo choo train", "kitty cat", "puppy dog", and, yes, "pee pee".

I talk about gross things... a lot
You know what my day consists of? Breast milk. Poop. Pee. Vomit. Snot. That sort of thing. If you ask me what my day was like I might let you know that I learned that when a baby poop is white, it means that there could be a bile duct obstruction. Then I will let you know the exact color and consistency of my kid's poop by hour. You're lucky if I call it a BM instead of bowel movement, or poopy. To be fair, I will listen to you talk about your kids' poop anytime.

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