Everyone knows that Kiddopotamus loves toilet paper and so who better to give an impromptu toilet paper review than the big kid himself?
I was minding my own business taking a shower (dangerous) when there was a knock on the bathroom door. If you're a mom then you know that a knock on the bathroom door is the 4th worst thing you can hear in the shower.
"Mom? I need to pee. I can't hold it!"
This is manageable. I unlock the door and dash back into the shower. "Come in."
"Actually I have to poop."
"Brilliant." I don't say.
"Holy wokkamoley (guacamole), this toilet paper is soft. Where did we get this?"
"Costco" I answer from the shower, mildly amused.
"This must be some new kind of ULTRA soft. This toilet paper is so soft... Oh my gosh it is SO soft! Have you felt this? Mom! I want you to buy this toilet paper everyday. It. Is. So. Soft. Oh, wow. When I grow up, this is the kind of toilet paper I want to have everyday.
"I can use this toilet paper for SO MANY THINGS! I can rub it on my cheek. Mommy. Mommy, I'm rubbing it on my cheek right now. I can tear a piece off and rub it on my... .... ..... ear. Right now I am using it to get eye boogers out. I'm using it to get my eye boogers out mommy. Mom, I'm using it to get my eye boogers out. I got my eye booger out, mom. It looks like a drop of water, but it's an eye booger.
"You know what I am going to do with this toilet paper?"
"Use it to wipe your little heinie and skedaddle out of the bathroom so I can shower in peace?" I do not say.
"I'm going to take this toilet paper to my room. I ran out of the toilet paper in my room and I threw the tube away. This toilet paper is so so soft that I want to keep it in my room. This is the best toilet paper we have ever gotten. I love this toilet paper. I'm going to use it to get this booger out of my nose. This booger is stuck in my nose. This toilet paper feels so good on my nose. This is the softest toilet paper in the world!"
My nose tickles. I blow my nose in the shower. I know that isn't ladylike, but glitter came out so I feel like the scales are even.
"Mom, do you need this toilet paper, mom?"
"No thanks, honey." My shower is over. I turn off the water and drag the towel behind the curtain to dry off. Wrapping it around me, I emerge from the behind the shower curtain and look at my son. There he is, with his little pajama bottoms dangling from his ankles. A square of toilet paper folded neatly in the palm of his hand and pressed against his face.
"I can't wipe my own butt because I don't want to take this toilet paper off my face"
So there you have it. Kirkland brand Ultra Soft toilet paper is the softest toilet paper in the world. So soft in fact that it can be debilitating.
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